Broke up with a guy a year and a half ago. They lived with his parents then – his mother did not love me, constantly belittled and said that it was too early for him to start such a serious relationship. I collected things and left. Called him with him, but he did not want.
The gap was heavy: either converged, then diverged. We worked at the same work, he did not let me go, said that I am his best friend, that he did not want to lose such an important person. Constantly asked to save communication and friendship. However, it was hard to call friendship.
I left work and stopped talking with him. All our communication now is a congratulation for holidays every few months. But each time this communication follows that he tells me how he sleeps with other girls. That he has several of them at once, and that he does not feel anything for them.
I tried to stop communicating with him, but as soon as I begin to ignore him, he has something. And it becomes ashamed to me that I am a bad person, since I do not support him that I am selfish. After all, when I was sick with cancer, he was all the time and very much supported me.
Olga, thank you for sharing your experiences!
In your question, several topics rises at once – each of them contributes to relations with your former. A heavy gap, the impossibility of a complete interruption of contact with a previously close person, a feeling of irritation and reproaches of conscience … This is all a rather difficult load, and I regret that today you have taken it to yourself.
Unfortunately, the exact question is not voiced by you, so I will take the courage to answer the two most emotionally charged moments of your letter: stories about the “adventures” of the former and the feeling of your own “selfishness” when you are not ready to support it.
Boasting about adventures can be explained by many reasons. Here are the most general ones:
The development of dopamine (hormone of happiness) in the brain, when it comes to the person himself – everyone is pleased to talk about themselves,
Self -doubt and an attempt to make up for it,
The desire to show you how “you have lost a lot” (from the point of view of this person), having completed close relations with him,
The probability that by led to the possible remnants of your jealousy, it will provoke rapprochement.
… and many others. However, none of the above common points excludes the presence of the causes of individual.
How do you like this relationship? From your letter there is a feeling that despite the gap a year and a half ago, the guy does not let you go. You have repeatedly tried to free yourself, but something returns you back all the time. From here a logical question arises – whether you definitely want to get out of these relations?
Having crystallized your request, you can honestly answer your question what measures you need to perform it
Hope for the output – emotional and physical – appears with a reduction in contact with a former partner and designation of its own boundaries. The latter provide your safety and comfort if contact with this person continues.
I believe that a complete breakdown of relations for you may now look unbearable. But also the policy of avoiding the “clash” of interests is not a long -term strategy. The cup of your patience is not a bottomless, and it is important to take care of yourself, carefully and environmentally friendly.
What steps can you consider for yourself in order to regain communication with this person in the frame comfortable for you:
1. Realize why you remained in a relationship earlier. Perhaps in this communication for you there is any value or belief significant for you personally. Is this the relevance of this today?
2. Realize that you are losing while remaining in these relationships. Perhaps it will be appropriate to think about your own comfort, the absence of negativity and irritation for constant stories about adventures, the appearance of additional free time … Insert yours.
3. Let yourself be fantasy to better understand your needs. If everything in the world was possible – what do you actually want from the former? So that he did or stop doing?
4. Relate with the real state of things. “It becomes ashamed to me that I am a bad person, I do not support him that I am selfish” – do you think such an internal dialogue is fair? In relation to him? And in relation to you?
Does he himself think that you are in his “non -pay” duty, or is it only your inner conviction? Does he remind you that you are a “bad person” if you refuse him support?
Questions are related to the fact that
maintaining a person in the fight against such a difficult disease is humanly. However, everyone makes this choice for himself, accepting their internal guidelines, resources and opportunities.
Each choice entails liability, as well as options for the fact that the person who is offered to help has every right to adopt it and abandon it. In fact, helping you, a person does it either disinterestedly, or expecting some benefits from his help.
It is important to remember that in most cases people do not what they should, but what they want
And behind this “I want” absolutely any desire can stand – from a sincere, gratuitous motivation to support you to the possibility of obtaining a “hook” of manipulation on a feeling of gratitude that you experience. Or the desire to feel like a good person who is compassionate and cares about loved ones in trouble. It can also be a convenient way to satisfy your needs at your expense.
Just do not rush to hang the shortcut on a person-a real desire to do anything can be both conscious and unconscious. Now I am thinking and fantasize, because data about a young man is not enough to make a confident position. In addition, in this situation, we also cannot listen to him. Therefore, the question of whether there can be some kind of unobvious desire for your help, I leave at your discretion.
It is much more important to ask yourself another question: how much time you are going to “work out” this help? What will be a signal for you, that you have completed your work on working out? After all, the term of this “testing” exists only for you.
5. Put the boundaries. Suppose the former about what you can and want to discuss with it, and what topics are forbidden to you in a conversation. And strictly hold your boundaries.