We meet in our path of various people, including selfish, consumerly configured, incapable of sincere feelings. From time to time this happens to everyone, but if we are trying to create an alliance from time to time with just such a person, this is an occasion to think.
It would seem, why should we be enemies of ourselves and intentionally get closer to those who make us suffer? Nevertheless, the story is repeated, and we again remain with a broken heart. “We are easily ready to agree that we attract those who do not value us. It turns out to be more difficult to break the vicious circle, ”said the family psychologist and specialist in the interpersonal relations of Merni Fuerman. She offers to analyze why inappropriate partners come to our lives.
1.Family history
How the relations of your parents were developing? Perhaps the negative features of one of them are repeated in the partner. If in childhood you lacked a feeling of stability and unconditional love, then you can recreate a similar scenario of relations with a partner. All in order to unconsciously live him again, try to figure it out and still change. However, throwing a similar challenge to the past, we cannot get rid of the difficult feelings experienced in childhood.
2.Determining relationships
Remember all those relationships that for one reason or another have not developed. Even if they were fleeting, but affected your feelings. Try to identify qualities that most clearly characterize each partner and factors that have influenced your union negatively. Try to analyze if there is something that unites both these people and the scenarios of relations.
3.Your role in the Union
Do you feel uncertain to feel uncertain? Are you worried that relations can end, unconsciously inviting potential manipulators to take advantage of your vulnerability? It is also worth analyzing your requirements: is you realistically enough you are to the union?
If you expect a partner will be perfect, then you will inevitably disappoint in it. If you accuse only the
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second side of the crash of relations, taking away all responsibility from yourself, this may complicate the understanding of why everything happened just like that.
Is it possible to rewrite the usual script? Mernie Fuerman is sure that yes. This is what she offers to do.
First dates
“Take them only as a meeting with a new person for you, no more. Even if you immediately felt the so -called “chemistry”, this does not mean that a person will be close to you. It is important that there is enough time and you can answer your question, whether you are binding you more than just physical attraction. Whether your interests, values, views on life coincide? Do you miss outright alarming calls about those features because of which your previous relationship suffered a fiasco?” – Fuerman suggests thinking.
Do not rush events, even if you really want to rush towards bright feelings. Give yourself time.
A new look at oneself
“In life, those scenarios in which we believe are often materialized,” says Fuerman. – This is how our brain is arranged: it chooses external signs that interprets as evidence of what we were originally convinced of. Moreover, all other arguments are ignored. If you believe that for some reason they are unworthy of love, then unconsciously filter the manifestations of the attention of people who convince you of the opposite ”.
At the same time, negative signals-someone’s words or actions-are read as another irrefutable proof of your rightness. Perhaps it is worth rethinking ideas about yourself, which have nothing to do with reality.
Mood for changes
It is impossible to rewrite the past, but an honest analysis of the incident will help not fall into the same trap. Repeating the same pattern of behavior, we get used to it. “However, the understanding of what exactly you want to change in relations with a potential partner in what matters you can compromise and what you will not put up with, already a huge step in success,” the expert is sure. – It is important to prepare for the fact that not everything will work out at once. The brain, already accustomed to a stable model of evaluating events and developing a response, will take time to change internal installations “.
It is useful to write down as those episodes when new communication skills with people helped and made you more confident, so your mistakes. The visualization of this on paper will help to better control what is happening and not return to the previous negative scenarios.